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A coaching question

What kind of person are you – at your absolute best?

I’ve written before about what I believe to be one of the most powerful questions you can ask, as a leader or a coach – or anybody really. And here’s another.

If anything, this one is actually even more of a favourite of mine because I just love the impact it has. It also sits really well with one of my core coaching principles – that you coach the person, not the issue they are dealing with.

I use this question sparingly, because it is so powerful. I particularly like it when somebody says something like:

I just don’t know where to start!

“Well,” I’ll say, “What kind of person are you, at your absolute best?” – and that almost always opens up several avenues of approach.

Or a client will say:

Which is the right choice for me?

And I’ll ask it then, “What kind of person are you, at your absolute best?” The choices we make should always be informed by who we are – and I don’t mean the person we are when we ‘re doubting ourselves or holding back or angry with the world, I mean the real person in our core – the absolute best version.

Or somebody will say:

I can’t seem to get on with this colleague no matter what!

And I’ll use that same question then, “Hmm, interesting – what kind of person are you – at your absolute best?” That’s always the version of ourselves to bring forwards when we want to connect well with others. Even or perhaps especially if that version of ourselves is vulnerable or unsure (as the best people often are).

How about you? What are you like at your absolute best?

And as a leader – how would you feel using this type of question? What kind of impact would it have on you, if somebody asked you?

Please leave a comment below if they’re still open at the time of reading, or tweet me @nickrobcoach

A coach's favourite question - what kind of person are you - at your *absolute* best? Click To Tweet

Thinking is more painful than electric shocks!

Why people often don’t get clear about their desired outcome or choose the best approach to take, before they act

It’s helpful for people to think about stuff more – particularly on why  they’re about to do something and on how  they’re about to do it. This is because:

1. Knowing why  we’re about to do something – the outcome we want to achieve – is much more important than the first few steps, the tactics, that we might take to get to it.

It’s easy to grasp this. If your desired outcome is clear but the first few steps you take towards it don’t work, you can simply try some other tactics. But if you start from the tactics themselves without really being clear about where you’re trying to get to, then early failures tend to derail all your efforts.

(There are exceptions to this rule: notably if you’re stuck and don’t know what you want to achieve then just trying something – anything – can be sometimes be more empowering than staying stuck);

2. Actively choosing how  we’re going to do something – the strategy, route or approach we might take – is a key determiner of success.

Far too many people simply do everything the same way, or the same way that they did it before, regardless of whether or not this gets results. It’s where that old saying comes from, “If you’ve only got a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail.” Actively choosing the way to go about doing things, dependent on the circumstances and the people involved, creates flexibility of approach. And flexibility of approach in our behaviour is what leads to win-win.

Why don’t people do this kind of thinking more?
Get clear about their desired outcome and choose the best approach to take, before they act?

One part of the answer is in an article I was delighted to discover recently, headlined “People Would Rather Experience An Electric Shock Than Be Alone With Their Thoughts”!

A team of researchers have discovered that:

  • Left alone in a room with just their thoughts, more than half the participants described the experience as ‘not enjoyable’, most found it difficult to concentrate and reported their minds wandering. The negative aspects went up further in another group who were asked to repeat the task at home;
  • In one experiment people had the option of giving themselves an electric shock rather than complete the full thinking time. Even though they’d had that level of shock before and had said they’d pay $5 not to be shocked again, 67% of the men and 25% of the women involved chose to shock themselves rather than just sit and think!

You can see their article here: https://www.sciencemag.org/news/2014/07/people-would-rather-be-electrically-shocked-left-alone-their-thoughts

My take on this is that human minds are evolved to deal with the real, physical world and with the web of social relationships that it takes to thrive. Disengaging from actual, concrete tasks and from real interactions with others long enough to do this kind of outcome/approach thinking is not something we’re naturally evolved to do. We have to learn it. And sticking with it long enough to get results ‘hurts’ and takes a lot of energy. Similarly, if you’re anything like me, there’s a whole load of failed adventures, thwarted ambitions and personal shortcomings that I’d really rather not think about at all, if only if wasn’t for the chance to improve things in future.

As my coaching practice evolves, I find that more and more people are saying things like: “I just need to hear myself think out loud”, or “I need some space to reflect on things and work them out, a kind of sounding board.” The hardest thing to do when I’m coaching in that kind of situation, is to do nothing but listen – but at least I don’t feel the need to give myself electric shocks!


Let me know if you’ve noticed any of this too please – or what you’re discovering about thinking, outcome-focus and behavioural choices yourself.

Please leave a comment below if they’re still open at the time of reading, or tweet me @nickrobcoach

Does it really hurt to think a bit more? Click To Tweet

One Page Leadership

What should leaders actually *do*?
The whole of Leadership on one page, free download, no sign-ups.

Click the picture above and then right-click and select ‘Save as…’ to download your copy.

Inspired by some work a client organisation was doing this week, I wanted to get the whole of my mental leadership checklist to fit on one page.

These are the factors I’ll typically run through when I’m coaching someone in a leadership role and want to help make sure they’re covering all the bases that their role demands.

It’s useful for newly-appointed leaders and well-established leaders who want to keep their approach fresh.

This is not the only way of thinking about leadership, but if you include all of these aspects, you can’t go too far wrong.

(This simple structure can also be especially useful in situations where people don’t already think of themselves as “leaders”, even when they’re responsible for and reliant on the work of several other people.)

As usual, please leave me a comment if they’re still open below, or tweet me @NickRobCoach.

  • What aspects of your own leadership do you like to regularly check on
  • What advice would you give to other people who aren’t sure about their leadership?

Stepping into Fierceness

Can you change your emotional-state almost instantly – even to something that’s right out of your comfort zone?

One of my favourite bits of learning about shifting state and taking-on abilities was with the late, great Laura Whitworth of CTI about 15 years ago.

It took place in a coach-training session, in California. We were practising bringing more “Fierceness” to your coaching, so that we can absolutely, no-holds-barred, no-kidding around, demand that our clients fulfil their potential.

We’re on our feet in the group and one woman is struggling with the idea of a helpful, person-centred coach being ‘fierce’. Almost sobbing she says:

“I can’t do fierceness. It’s just in not me at all.”

Here’s how it went down…

Laura takes one look at this woman and asks: “You got kids?
W: “Yes, one.”
L: “How old?
W: “He’s nearly grown-up.”
L: “Remember when he was a baby?”
W: “Yes.”
L: “Remember holding him in your arms?”
W: (cradles her arms) “Yes.”
L: (becomes this twisted, menacing figure) “I’m coming to take your baby from you…
W: “NO YOU’RE NOT!!!”

It was absolutely incredible to see that transformation.
She found her fierceness alright, in an instant, and could still find it as easily and fast as that for the rest of the course.

It’s all there. Every emotion, every experience.
We have access to every human ability and state just like that, at the speed of thought.